When I think about what my goal is as an early childhood educator and as a parent of young children, I often think about the attributes I encounter with adults and what I would like my children to exude in the future. For me, and probably for many, I would like my children (biological and students) to become confident, resilient, caring, curious and independent individuals. Now comes the big question, how do we get there?
Teaching children about choice and consequence is key. In building confidence, resilience, curiosity, and independence children must first make mistakes and learn from them. They must take risks and see what happens. They must face challenges and learn from their setbacks. In building kindness and empathy, children must learn how their choices and actions affect others. They must do all of this even if it makes them uncomfortable; especially when it makes them uncomfortable. For adults, this is the hardest part. In an interview, psychiatrist Dr. Daniel Amen stated “You want kids to make mistakes, and you want them to pay the consequences so they learn agency…It’s hard, you have to have the big picture in mind, and the long game in mind…if I do too much I am robbing them of their self-esteem, of their sense of responsibility and agency. And that is a disaster you just don’t want¹”
Let’s look at some definitions.
Accountability²: the quality or state of being accountable…willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one's actions
Empathy³: the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another
Excuse⁴:
a: to make apology for.
b:
to try to remove blame from
There is no doubt that balancing empathy and accountability can be tricky. During our community meeting in October, we discussed some barriers that families have encountered. 1. Parents who are not of the same mind either of what is acceptable behavior from the child or of the consequences from such behavior. 2. Consistency with limits and consequences, especially when big feelings become involved. 3. Knowing what are age appropriate expectations, limits and consequences. 4. Understanding the differences between punishment and logical consequence. 5. Knowing when you as a parent should step in.
While we certainly don’t have the answers to all of these, here are a few tips we think may help.
In conclusion, fostering qualities like confidence, resilience, empathy, and independence in children is a nuanced and ongoing process. It requires a balance of teaching accountability while also allowing children the space to make mistakes, learn from them, and face consequences. As parents and educators, it's vital to remember that while children need to experience discomfort and challenges, they also need consistent boundaries and support to develop a sense of responsibility and agency. The key is to remain patient, reflective, and unified in your approach, understanding that mistakes and strong emotions are part of the learning journey. By combining empathy with accountability, we can help our children grow into well-rounded, thoughtful individuals who understand the impact of their actions, both for themselves and for others.
1https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=avx4Ww9h3Tc
2. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/accountability
3. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/empathy
4. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/excuse
5. Pressman, Aliza. The 5 Principles of Parenting: Your essential Guide to Raising Good Humans
The Renaissance International School
The Renaissance International School